Sunny Days and Sometimes Partly Cloudy....

{Being real is sometimes difficult...pushing publish on this made me want to grab a blanket and pull it over my head...}

I typically write and post things adoption related over on our adoption blog, but sometimes trying to post there and here is just too complicated....aaannd, often leaves one blog or the other neglected. Aaaannd...sometimes I just get stunned on WHAT to write about where and just not post on either. 

And then there are days like today....and weeks like this week. 

It was a several cups of coffee day today. An "oh my gosh my daughter did what?!" kinda of day when I picked her up from school. And a "seriously that kid just came up and smacked my daughter for no apparent reason?!" kind of day. {seriously, she didn't provoke it...I saw the kid walk onto the playground and just smack her. I've never seen him, she does not go to school with him. He just didn't like her I suppose. I kinda don't like him.} And then the "oh crap, I forgot my husband is working late, so we're gonna have hot dogs, canned green beans and blueberries for dinner {really, I was trying to use up what we had without going to the drive-thru or the store}" kinda day. 

And this is just a little snippet. I'd really rather not bore you with more details....or scare you. 

It was the little sleep, still getting over illness and Sunshine sometimes being a little more clingy than not {and sometimes button pushing more than not} kinda weeks. 

So far, she has been adjusting well and is sleeping well. I, however, am not sleeping so well. 

{Read: drinking large amounts of coffee}

There are the moments this week that I have felt inadequate as an adoptive mom and moments where I really wish there was a homeschooling co-op of only mother's and kids adopted from Russia (or any country, really), so that when my daughter acts out, or doesn't understand "taking turns"  or kids look at her like she has two heads because she didn't understand what they were saying to her at the playground...well, they would understand. They would understand the underlying issues and reasons for some of her behavior or outbursts and "freak out" looks and actions. Yes, she is TERRIFIED of public bathrooms and the dark. Not the dark like "I need a night light" kinda dark. Outside dark. Like, we can go into a store at sunset and come back out once the sun sets and she has a little freak out moment and tries to climb me like a tree because she is VERY leery of that "dark stuff" out there. 

People stare and I keep on walking, speaking to her in Russian, letting her know "it's okay. mama's here".

Let's not even talk about bumpy roads, rain on the car or dinner not getting on the table or in her mouth fast enough. 

I understand not all of this only applies to adopted kids. But a lot of this applies to Sunshine and her being in an orphanage setting for her whole little life. 

And then, there are the moments she just wants to be held. And I look at her and get a glimpse of what she might have been like as an infant. 

Sometimes it breaks my heart to pieces knowing she didn't get this time with a mother. Simply being held. And I sit and hold her....for long periods of time.

Yes, there has been a lot of holding this week. A lot of "mama...mama...MOM!" Sunshine calling me, begging for my attention at every waking moment. So, blog posts don't always get finished or posted (seriously folks, there are several just sitting in que...), new items for Little Bird stay in the ideas bin in my brain, just waiting to be let out onto paper and fabric ( they can wait a little longer...) and dinner doesn't always get done in time (thankful for crockpots!). 

I often wonder how other mamas and small biz owners and bloggers do it. Because, lately? I cannot. I cannot and I think it's OK. For now. 

This is a season and I am assuming one day sleep will come back to me restfully and I will have too much time in the studio and be longing for these moments that my kids were 8 and 4.   

Yes. This week. It's been Sunny and sometimes partly cloudy.